Abandoned
by Frisco
Summary: Missing scene for Epiphany.  Old memories resurface as John struggles to find his place in his new home.  Written for the Epiphany Challenge on the sheps atlantis community.  Italicized quotes are from the episode.


He awoke to the sun shining in his eyes, signaling the morning to be half gone. He rolled over, the memory of the night before flooding back, and realized he was alone, although her scent clung to the pillow. He lay on his back and closed his eyes. _What had he been thinking?_

John dressed quickly and stepped outside. The people in The Cloister were no where to be seen. He rolled his eyes. They must be meditating. Again.

He walked quickly from the small village and headed to his favorite spot near the river. He needed to be alone with his thoughts, not surrounded by a bunch of strangers. And they were strangers even after all this time. This had been the longest six months of his life. The people of The Cloister were nice enough, but they were as boring as hell.

He sat on the bank and tossed pebbles, one at a time, into the meandering stream. The words that had haunted his every day, Avrid's words, came back to him. _'…you are committed to be here for the remainder of your days.'_

His people weren't coming for him. He had finally accepted that. It was the reason he had been gone for over a day. He had needed to come to grips with the thought. He had been depressed, frustrated, angry for six months now. The last time the beast had attacked, he had told the people of The Cloister that he was starting '_to develop serious abandonment issues…._'

The truth was he wasn't starting to develop them; he already had them, since childhood in fact. His father's tours of duty kept him away during John's earliest years. His mother died when he was young. Not technically abandonment, but it felt like it to a ten year old. His father's assignments changed after that, but The Colonel rarely found time for him and was nothing but critical when he was around.

John ran his hands through his hair and scratched at his beard. He decided to shave before he went to bed tonight. It was driving him crazy. He had been keeping it as a reminder that he didn't belong here just like it didn't belong on his face. Time for it to go.

He rested his elbows on his knees and let his head drop. They really weren't coming for him. This was his home now. His heart screamed in protest. He had a life, responsibilities, friends. Well, he thought he had friends. Maybe he'd been wrong about that. It wouldn't be the first time.

Jerry's face swam before his mind's eye. Jerry Morehouse had been his best friend in high school. John usually didn't stay in any one place long enough to make close friends, but his dad had been assigned as a sniper instructor at the Marine Corps Air Ground Combat Center at Twentynine Palms, and they had stayed for several years.

OoOoOoOoO

He met Jerry his first day of high school. Morehouse was the class clown, loved by everyone. He adopted the new guy and showed him the ropes, easing the jitters John always hid. Since Jerry's dad was under The Colonel's command, the two boys had a lot in common. Jer made freshman year fun, allowing the math nerd to hang out with him and his buddies. John had learned early on how to fit in – make them laugh and never let them see you sweat. He rarely showed his true feelings about anything to anyone.

As his high school years passed, puberty caught up with him. He grew tall and his chest and shoulders broadened. His quick wit and athleticism soon made him a favorite, and his evolving good looks caught the eyes of several girls, especially after the braces came off. He hadn't realized he was considered handsome until he overheard a conversation in the hall one day between a couple of cheerleaders.

Then one day, she walked in. Regina Simpson was the most beautiful girl John had ever seen, red hair that gleamed like fire and sparkling emerald green eyes. His heart forgot to beat every time she stepped in the room. He began working up the courage to ask her to the junior prom and went to Jerry for advice. His best friend's face had turned purple with rage.

"Stay away from her, Sheppard," he snarled.

John blinked in surprise. "What?"

"I saw her first. I don't care whose son you are, you can't have her."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Don't you get it? I let you hang out with me to make a good impression on your old man for my dad's sake."

John blanched at the words. "I thought we were friends."

"Well you thought wrong. My dad is being promoted so I don't need you anymore. Stay away from Regina!"

Jerry shoved John hard and walked away. John stared after him in bewilderment, wondering if he had heard right. Morehouse had been using him all this time. He swallowed the hurt and went home, all thoughts of Regina removed from his mind. He never did ask her out.

OoOoOoOoO

John drew in a deep breath and shook the memory away. He threw a handful of rocks into the water and pushed to his feet, jaw muscles jumping. Friends. Who needed them anyway?

He trekked through the woods, soaking in the silence. Teer's face flashed before him, and he wondered for a second time what he'd been thinking. To be honest, he hadn't been thinking. That was the problem.

He had accepted that he was staying and had arrived back at his hut to find her waiting for him. When she had leaned in to kiss him, he had thrown caution to the wind. If this was to be his home, he would make the most of it. And he liked her; he really liked her. She was beautiful, an intelligent conversationalist, gentle, kind…. She wasn't the type he normally went for, but she was certainly the best thing about this place.

He'd been alone for a long time. After Emma….

John closed his eyes as pain lanced through his heart. Emma. God, he had loved her, loved her more than he'd ever loved anyone.

OoOoOoOoO

They met while he was in flight school in San Antonio. She was in med school studying pediatrics, and mutual friends introduced them at a party. She had the most unruly blond hair that she was constantly trying to tame with a hair band and blue eyes that he got lost in. Her smile lit up a room, and her laugh invited others to join her. He fell for her hook, line and sinker.

They stole every moment they could, which wasn't many between her rotations and his schedule. He had wanted to get married as soon as she graduated, but she had wanted to wait until she finished her residency. He was stationed at Langley while she worked at Johns Hopkins. By the time she finished, he was set to ship overseas to Osan, South Korea. The wedding was fast and the honeymoon faster. After a couple of years of barely seeing each other, he was stationed back in the States, at Hickam AFB in Hawaii. She found a position at Shriner's Childrens Hospital, and all was right with the world. Until he began flying special ops missions.

She didn't push him for information she knew he couldn't give. She only wanted him to share himself with her. But his childhood lessons were hard to forget. He had been hiding his feelings for so long, he didn't remember how to be open with someone. He knew he could trust her, but the words just wouldn't come. When his co-pilot had been killed and he had been injured, she begged him to let her in. And he had tried. He really had. But his throat closed up, and his heart seized in fear every time he thought about it.

Her eyes accused him of not caring. It wasn't true. He loved her more than anything. He just didn't know how to make her understand. She grew distant, rarely smiling.

He had been ordered to fly out at dawn one morning. He waited most of the day for the mission to begin, but it was eventually scrubbed. The wait had given him plenty of time to think. He couldn't let her go. When he got home, he was going to lay it all on the line regardless of his fears. He would let down that wall, let her in all the way no matter how many painful memories it dredged up. He was going to let her see him for who he truly was even if it meant losing control over his emotions. She was worth it.

He purposefully strode into his house. He wasn't due back until the next day, and she should still be at work. He grinned as he imagined her face when she came home. He had flowers and wine. They would light some candles, order some Chinese and talk all night.

His nerves went on alert at the noise in the back of the house. He moved stealthily to the master bedroom and silently eased open the door. The only memory he had of what came next was the look in her eyes. He never saw the man's face or heard him leave. John hadn't known anything could hurt as much as that moment had. He walked out the door and didn't look back. The next morning he filed for a transfer and for divorce. He never saw Emma again.

OoOoOoOoO

John wiped his eyes. It still hurt after all these years. He realized he was partially to blame, but his sense of loyalty couldn't get past the infidelity. The scar on his heart had scabbed over but still bled occasionally. There had been few women in his life since, and none he had gotten very close to. That same sense of loyalty didn't allow him to use women, to lead them on or to make promises he wouldn't keep. He had endured a lot of teasing over the years for that, but he hadn't regretted it. He hated the sight of betrayal in other's eyes as much as he hated it in his own.

The closest he had been romantically to anyone since Emma was Chaya. But a few stolen kisses and a very cool spiritual sharing with an Ancient wasn't the same as a relationship with a flesh and blood woman. He had almost forgotten what it was like until he came here and met Teer. They had fallen into a pattern. She brought him breakfast every morning, and they took long walks, talking of ascension and life. It was comfortable, and he was so tired of being alone.

He found himself on the outskirts of The Cloister watching as the people left mediation and began preparing lunch. He still couldn't think of himself as one of them. He knew their ultimate goal was ascension. What would happen to him if they did ascend? Could he stand to live here alone for the rest of his life? Could he ascend? Did he want to?

He pondered that last question for a moment. No, he didn't want to ascend. He had a life to live, damn it, and he wasn't through with it yet. He knew enough about Ancients from Chaya and the reports he'd read to know it wasn't for him. He was not a stand-back-and-do-nothing kind of guy. He'd get thrown out of the club just like that Jackson guy did. These pansy wanna-bes would be perfect since all they did was hide in their village and think about life instead of living it. How could he make them understand there was more to life than that?

Teer's sad face caught his eye as she gazed at him. He wondered if she could hear his thoughts as well as see him in her mind. He would apologize to her later. Even if she had seen it before it had happened, he didn't have the right to use her as he had.

As he trudged down to help set out the food, he decided he would try talking to the villagers about living. Maybe if they understood how exciting life could be, he would fit in better. This was his home now, and he had to get used to it. His people weren't coming.

A lunchtime chat about life might be nice. He'd always liked thunderstorms. He wondered if any of them had ever experienced one. He'd have to ask.

The End.


End file.
